The Performer

She speaks so timidly, in a way you will think that she has the most soft spoken voice and the kindest heart.

She is beautiful, with all the definition of a woman could be. The one who has the flawless face and light-skinned tone. She is indeed a divah inside a closet.

After the show when she removes her make up and wigs, her real face is what she sees in the mirror. The girl who has a dream to reach success on her younger years. She will do anything to be on top and she didn’t mind how she will do it.

She is a performer. A divah inside a closet. But when the show ends and the curtains roll down, she looks at her true self on the mirror. Staring at herself wiping the tears, looking at the person she never met before.

Christmas Thoughts

I entered the door filled with Christmas decors. As I come close to see more of the Christmas rush inside, a mysterious tick in my heart started. A cool breeze of air kissed my face. And I was unconsciously standing still in front of that door, a brief feeling of sadness in my heart is blooming. This was the exact time when life, as I know it, started.

The Christmas I knew was the time when everywhere is filled with Christmas lights and that the night would seem like a universe filled with warm glowing stars while the most perfect feeling lives inside of me — LOVE.

That despite the blinding lights, the only person I see is my husband. That his eyes, were the only thing that matters and can fill my world with glow. His smile would complete my village of dreams as we dance to the romantic beat of the music.

I miss him a lot during these holidays and how everyone seems to have it all figure out.

I almost forgot how I celebrated Christmas or even the feeling of having him beside me on occasions like this. I have a hunch that this simple and perfect life will never happen again and that I will have to set-up a new world. A world where sadness and happiness lives together, a world we call reality.

As the cold air leaves my face, I went back to reality. Determined to see what’s on the other side of the Christmas decorated doors and more convinced to find happiness even without my beloved husband around.

 

05.17

Repost from my FB page dated May 17, 2014 @ 2:31am

There will always be one significant person who may not always be there for you but have touched your life to a great extent. Not only will touch your life, but will be the passage way to your whole new life. Some might say that only saints can do such an extraordinary act, but believe me, even angels are dressed like humans.

I’m thankful to have experienced being loved by an angel. Because an angel’s love echoes even after they have gone back to the Heaven’s and the love they have left on earth balances the grief, loss and sadness felt by the one they left behind. This is how I survived, this is how he loved.

I will always miss the humor and down-to-earth intelligence, and even everything as a whole, you are my greatest miracle who made me laugh and cry big time.

Thoughts on your birthday hubby.

Every Moment Matters

Life is still full of happiness and love despite the loss of the people we so long to be with. They were the many reasons why the journey was worth it. They bring beautiful colors in our once gray life and that is how we move forward. Unfortunately, in the middle of our grief, we continually turned down as we realize that nothing will make them go back despite our efforts, despite our tears, despite our desperate attempts.

It is after all a temporary ride so be patient.

Things happen as they should. Never think that the year that passed was wasted. That situation was meant to be there. That year was meant for us to stop and think about our life. It may mean you have to resign from your current job or you may have to change your place.

It was meant to happen as it is. Never regret. There was no time wasted. It happened as it should be.

Would you think that if you stayed in your job ’til the end, you will be happy? You would not have traveled the world at your twenties if you didn’t take that risk. Rarely are people who get the chance to travel the world on their twenties. You have choices when it seem you don’t. A lot better than others.

So never regret a day a month or a year you thought you have wasted, by just simply curling in bed and wishing this day would go by as fast as your husband left. Sadly, there will always be times like that. Mind you, there will be thousands of moments you will experience loneliness in your lifetime. But be strong enough to fight it.

“Death is not a single occasion. not like birthday or Christmas celebrated once a year. death of a loved one is more of daily event in your life.”

Where am I heading?

It has been months since I went back on asking myself the same question.

“Where am I heading?”

It’s been four years since my husband died and through all the ups and downs of my life I feel like I landed to where I actually started — LOST.

Yes. My husband died few years ago. It would seem as if after he died, my life needed a tune up. Nope. I don’t think I need a res-et button to bring back the life I had but rather, a NEW LIFE moving forward.

There are several times when I feel I can reach every bit of my dream and that as if the power of determination has finally come my way. Truly, nothing can stop me from achieving everything I want to do in my life. All the road signs are heading towards where I lead them to and luck has finally came my way.

Aligned with my UPS, are my DOWNS. These feelings are the gravity that pulls me down from dreamland. The ones making me realize that all the hopes and dreams I planned carefully for the rest of my life is a hoax. Reaching it could be like a needle in a hay.

It could sometimes be frustrating. Seeing myself on top of the ladder at one point and watching myself fall from it on the next step.

“Life is like a piano. White keys represent happiness and black keys represent sadness. But as you go through life you must remember, black keys make music too.” – Ehssan

…and then I decided to follow Jesus

I decided to follow Jesus!

This Sunday’s gospel was good. But what caught my attention was when the priest started singing on his beautiful African voice, “I decided to follow Jesus”. Then it became my last song syndrome.

It was a short phrase but a pretty powerful one. It never left my mind after that sunny Sunday mass.

What does that short phrase mean, anyway, that it affected me so much? I even felt that this short phrase is a calling

Of all the things that happened in my life, it could probably mean one of the following:

  • a hello from the Lord saying that He is will always here watching over me.
  • He is talking to me telling me that my dear husband is beside Him solemnly happy hanging out with the angels.
  • a knock knock from the door saying there is another door that needs to be opened.
  • my alarm clock to wake me up reminding me that its exactly the right time to go out and show the world that I am ready!

Well, whatever that message was. I still believe that it was intended to be received by the recipient and that’s me. No matter what the message is, as I move forward in life, I will slowly find the meaning He so want to send me.

Come to think of it, there might not be a hidden message after all. How about just plainly deciding to follow Jesus with no doubt.

Boredom

boredom-buster

That moment when your life is routinely organized day in and day out. You wake up, make coffee, sit at the couch, get the remote and watch tv, go to the kitchen and cook early lunch for one and go back to slouching in the couch, clicking the remote trying to find a decent tv show.

Clicking over and over until the day ends. It was a long day.

Boredom strikes again. Mood swings and all. Can’t help it though.