I Remember You

I remember you

when I wash the dishes, I see you beside me waiting for me to hand you the clean plates,

when I sleep at night and notice the empty space on my bed, I try to fill my body in the middle to somehow try to fill the emptiness,

when I watch a movie that we once watched together, I cry as I remember hugging you when i start to get so attached to the story,

when I walk past a familiar street I try my best to carry my trembling feet. Nostalgic of all the walks we did and the sweet and quirky conversations we had,

I remember you on these occasions (and more) as I do it a thousand times each day. Safe to say I remember you every second of every day. Sigh, as I realize all I have are memories of you.

Sometimes I simply miss you a lot. When I start to feel like crying, i think of you and how you will live this life if you were in my shoes. You haven’t taught me enough, you left so sudden — without goodbyes.

On losing you, I know it is not easy and it will never get easier each day. as I try to pick up the broken pieces of my heart hoping that somehow these pieces are part of yours so I can get the courage to get up and live another day.

you will always be my one and only, hubby.

My Subject on Longing

My life is a summary of longing. As it is with longing that i feel the importance of even the small things. It gives me the euphoric feeling of happiness at the same time keeping my sanity. It is the simplified science of two forces, push and pull. It is when we “push” that we experience a never-ending feeling of completeness, happiness or even love. It is when we let ourselves drag us in the direction of “pull” that it reminds us that the feelings we feel are only temporary.

It may be about a series of happy moments with your friends sharing unending stories and laughs not realizing it has to end at some point. At that moment, we each try to hold on but as we try harder, the stories start to get boring. And we eventually retreat and let that special moment be. We accept that it is now part of our memory.

It may also be about the relationship with our partners. We are so in love at the moment that during the whole romance you feel that you are so lucky to experience such a wonderful feeling no one ever felt. At some point, the other party needs to leave. It may either be of a new found love, sickness or death. As hard as you try sometimes to save the relationship, there is nothing more you can do but to let the other person go. You accept that it is now part of your memory.

Same as the most constant force on earth, CHANGE is the ultimate equalizer of happiness and sadness. There are moments in life that was so perfect that continuing to live in it may spoil its perfection. Moments that are meant to end when the best part is coming. Some people may attempt to rekindle this “PERFECT MOMENT” unfortunately trying their whole life to exceed it. Wasting their life in the end, living with regrets instead of cherishing the moment.

With longing, it means the end of a story, a relationship and a memorable event. The end of a sweet beginning, the end of something special. On the other hand, it also means the beginning. The start of a new chapter. The author knows when to stop writing as well as a director knows when to say “cut”.

These are the moments in life wherein we should be satisfied looking only from afar and thanking God for the experience while praying harder to give you strength to move forward armed with that perfect moment that inspires your future.

This is my subject about longing.

“If some longing goes unmet, don’t be astonished. We call that life.” Anna Freud

Two of my Most Favorite Couples

Chelsea has been a good friend from the office. I’ve known her for years with her boyfriend. In time, our friendship grew and since then I have always been so comfortable being with Chelsea and James. What made this couple so special in my life is their overwhelming mission of getting me and Allan together. They even defied the superstition of not going anywhere when your wedding is nearing.

They were close to my heart as they were the bridge for me to know LOVE. They not only introduced me to it, but they showed me the unconditional power of love. Oh, the memories of the four of us in the beach will forever be etched in my heart.

I met them on the time when I was completely clueless about this beautiful force of earth, while my man has always been 100% sure that the woman standing in front of him is his wife.

Boracay, Philippines 4/3/2010 |             Photo: queenie

Isabel has been a friend from highschool. She is one whom I randomly get acquainted on during our young school days. I met Isabel and Brett a few years after Allan passed away. As I see it, this lovely couple came to my life for a purpose. They are just as close to God as I am and that they somehow remind me of how Allan and I might have been living our life (if he were still alive) considering our relationship have similarities with them — being culturally different. Although sometimes seeing them hugging and kissing is way too much as it makes me more envious and miss the love of my life so much, I have seemingly grown to adore this couple.

Orange County Costa Mesa, Ca 7/28/2015 | Photo: Isabel Skinner

Both couples came to my life for a purpose. The first was to introduce me to love and the second was to make me believe in love again. They carry the same level of love for each other, the one we call TRUE LOVE. So I sincerely wish for them to continue sharing their love for each other because as they do, they are slowly spreading positive vibes to the world. May they will always be blessed with God’s abundance and grace as their family grows.

When Life Happens

She said, “one day I will be a wife, a mother”.

She would usually dream that when that day comes she would know it instantly. Nothing magical nor legendary, nothing like a fairy tale of that sort. Her husband may not be one of the most handsome as long as she wakes up feeling happy, untiringly looking at his face every morning. With the kids around, she would always have a fully booked schedule. A predictable life of simplicity and peace.

One day, life happens.

She met someone. She refused but with a single splash of fate, they dated and got along pretty well. Every second with him was magic and every day was a legend of love’s mysteries. He described vividly the details of their first meeting, he confessed, “the first time I saw you, I literally knew I finally found my wife” – it was her. Looking amazed of how great knowledge this man has that he immediately deciphered the signs and solved the puzzle, she was left in awe.

She realized that sometimes love is so confusing. The other knew exactly the meaning of the signs while she was left in ignorance of what the signs meant. When they looked at their lives backwards, they can only see the spaces they left blank. The times she was not sure of her feelings, the time they both wasted – HIM not fighting harder for her to realize their fate sooner and HER fighting harder to be far away from him.

For others, it was the story of a love that brings inspiration on their own life. A reflection of hope in finding TRUE LOVE. Sometimes I feel that this love story was created to be short-lived as it was perfectly written by the hands of God and that ones the two souls separate, the magic will continue to shower to the whole of the earth.

For them, the power of love that runs through their veins signifies the union of two souls, who, after years of search and delays have finally come into terms. The same power that have brought overflowing joy, abundant blessings and a significant amount of selflessness in their lives. They knew that they were each others happiness and never imagined a life without the other from then on. They have so much love to give to each other it can fill their lifetime.

Then one day, life happens again.

He had to leave unexpectedly. Never in her wildest dreams did she imagine a life without him. They form part of each others happiness. She was lost. Dreadfully lost. That second he left was the same moment her future was taken. Time was running so fast that she cannot catch up. Once again, she was left in awe. The same man who brought her so much happiness is now giving her unbearable sadness.

A part of her died the same time her husband left. As she tries to hold all the memories she could in her mind, she is crushed. She was so afraid that one day all these memories will become vague and that the only connection she has with her husband will soon fade.

She felt pain every heartbeat. A pain that creates an invisible hole in her heart that grows bigger every time she breathes. It was unfair. They, who have given out so much love to the world, were destined to be punished by separation. She often wondered why each day the pain becomes bearable even though the void continues to grow. She was sad because she thought she is moving on. She was afraid that along with moving on, the memories will be gone forever.

Years have passed but she still thinks  of him often, the memories left was clearer than ever as if it happened just yesterday. Even though she worries everyday that the memories will someday fade, she tries her very best to cherish every memory left. The way he looks at her, the way he kisses her, the way he sits on his chair on their old place

For her, this is life re-imagined. A new one. Without her husband.

Later on she realized that the memories will stay though she is not sure until when. It was after all part of her as much as a part of him. Each day is more bearable because the pain and longing have already become part of her. Her mind and body have finally let them in. Tears washes the longing from the heart.

Sometimes losing the one you love, the person you never imagined leaving you, will force you to restructure the life you imagined, the comfortable life you planned.

As their story ends, she didn’t get to create the family she so long wanted and there will be no chance for them to make it. She continue to live her life no matter how empty she feels her heart is. She chose the path where she would fight harder every single day for life to give her the love she deserves, she will never give up. She gets the strength from the love left by her soulmate that will fill her until she finds the NEW LOVE she so long deserve.