Christmas Thoughts

I entered the door filled with Christmas decors. As I come close to see more of the Christmas rush inside, a mysterious tick in my heart started. A cool breeze of air kissed my face. And I was unconsciously standing still in front of that door, a brief feeling of sadness in my heart is blooming. This was the exact time when life, as I know it, started.

The Christmas I knew was the time when everywhere is filled with Christmas lights and that the night would seem like a universe filled with warm glowing stars while the most perfect feeling lives inside of me — LOVE.

That despite the blinding lights, the only person I see is my husband. That his eyes, were the only thing that matters and can fill my world with glow. His smile would complete my village of dreams as we dance to the romantic beat of the music.

I miss him a lot during these holidays and how everyone seems to have it all figure out.

I almost forgot how I celebrated Christmas or even the feeling of having him beside me on occasions like this. I have a hunch that this simple and perfect life will never happen again and that I will have to set-up a new world. A world where sadness and happiness lives together, a world we call reality.

As the cold air leaves my face, I went back to reality. Determined to see what’s on the other side of the Christmas decorated doors and more convinced to find happiness even without my beloved husband around.


Never Settle for Anything Less

Love someone because of love and not because of any other reason.

I married my husband after all the questions has been answered. I married him after all doubt has been taken off the list and my love for him is the only thing left in my heart and mind. I took my time. Well, we both took our time. We let our feelings mature in the right direction. We didn’t rush into things just because we were so in love. People around us thought that we are not that head over heels for each other since they don’t see how mushy we are to each other. But we didn’t mind, what matters is what we feel and how we shower each other with our undying love and devotion. We did not make “being so in love” as an excuse to decide to get married right away. There is always a right time for everything, so if you rush, it would mean that you are running ahead of that perfect timing God set-up for you.

Feelings are like the stages in a product cycle, there is the introduction, growth, maturity and the decline. So does it mean that love, after marriage, will reach the point of decline? I’m not sure, but most people say they do and that is the importance of having a strong foundation of friendship while in the first three stages. Make sure that the person you decide to spend the rest of your life with is the person whom you can stand even at his worst. Never settle for anything less, just because they are available doesn’t mean that they are God sent. They may be brought in front of you but for another purpose. Sometimes, we also need to study the signs not jump into it in the nick of time. This is one of the causes of divorce, not really knowing each other and when trials come, couples fall apart.

Most people also say that love is a matter of choice and not by chance. I would like to believe that it’s true since it is us who decide (choose) to stay with that person, it is not by chance that you stayed with that person. If there is a decision to be made, there are options to choose from. You meet a person randomly and you click — that is chance, you decide to let a person into your life — that is choice.

Some say that the heart can be taught. You can teach your heart to like or hate a person. The most important thing is that you never play with others feelings. Stay true to yourself and honest to others. If the shoe doesn’t fit, be brave enough to tell the truth and walk away. Once you do, never regret. Once a decision has been made, stand by it no matter how hard it is.

There is no easy way in getting through life, just as in getting a perfect relationship. It takes lots of hard-work and team work to make things work.

One of the many best things I admired about my husband is that he is willing to support me. I can see that he is not happy if I am not growing my own path. I have found a perfect man indeed. Oh well, he is JUST my soulmate — we found each other by chance and we made a choice to be together forever — sealed it with a promise in front of God. But then again maybe we have already fulfilled our love this lifetime, that is why he was already called back.

Our relationship is the independent type. We value each others privacy through trust. At the start of the relationship we agreed that there will be times that we need our “me” time. As we will now be together for the rest of our lives, we decided that there will definitely be boring times, and the me times and having that agreement makes our relationship stronger. We have so many topics to share and humors to throw at that boring time never arrived. And that short second of our me time, even if we are on the same room, makes us miss each other so much that we are so impatient to hold each other again.

Come to think of it today, this may also be one of the reasons why I managed to get through the darkest times of his loss — our independence. Despite our being together as couple, we still have our own life to live. It did not for a bit lessen our love for each other. In fact, it was the other way around, we grew fonder of each other. We are, in fact, still two souls living the earth, walking the same direction and that when the other left, I am still whole. It may not be about my bravery after losing a loved one, it is about having to continue living my life. We both did not believe in a relationship where one is succeeding while the other is contented waiting for his other half to come home and talk about his day. That may work for other couples, but for us, being the unique us, we believed in empowering each other and supporting each others chosen endeavor.

And that when talking about love, it is the soul who felt our overflowing love. And even though the love I’ve given was taken along by him, I still have the love he gave me and that is I believe that keeps me from breaking.

Grateful for the Love

Lately I’ve been thinking about my husband. Though it has been years since I last saw him, since I last touched him, since the last time he whispered to me, “i love you”, he still is the constant man running in my mind. It has been a while but still it feels as if the feeling of his love and appreciation is still saving my life.

It is not that I am living in the past. I have, for so long, have moved forward in life. A lot of things has changed in it and I continue to grow. I continue to feel love from others, be it romantic or friendly, and I’m openly accepting it. It is indeed such a wonderful feeling, being able to feel love and be loved in return.

At the end of the day I realize without regret, that all the love the people around me can give is the sum of my husband’s great love for me. Hardly can anyone replace the love I received from him and honestly, my heart is not yet in a hurry to look for one as it still enjoy love’s overflowing devotion.

Sometimes it’s hard to explain because as humans, we believe only what our eyes can see, not what our hearts can feel.

Serendipity, Love and Cupid

Serendipity. I’m in love with this word.

serendipity (serənˈdipədē) – life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences but rather it is a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite sublime plan.

I like to believe that I am always in love. I love LOVE. Even though I am not romantically linked to anyone right now – I love dreaming about love. Even though I have lost an overwhelming love once – I treasure the love that was created. Even though I was heart broken – I still believe in love.

I love how it makes people go crazy. I love how this unseen force separate countries and beliefs. I love how it create miracles and how it changes the world. I love how it determines someone’s happiness or sadness. I love simply how it is being said by anyone to someone. Who knows, it also saves a life.

Serendipity for me is the twin sister of Love. They work as a team with Cupid as their leader. They search for soulmates who never realize they are one. Cupid sends off his arrow and Love comes along. Serendipity is the one who glues them together. Creates coincidences and accidents so these two souls would mingle. Serendipity is the one who do the hard work among them. He sticks together with the soul mate until they find the key to each others heart.

They are a pretty busy team. When the mission is accomplished, they hunt for another pair. As love has always been in the far hidden corner of everyone’s heart, Serendipity, Love and Cupid has a lot of work to do to match each and every soul roaming the earth. Some are stubborn while some are open. Some are shy while others are impatient. Some souls run vainly around finding their right pair but without these three, they are lost. Trying to fit an imperfect set. With their service, all souls will be alright.

They might come a little late in life but please understand that with billions of souls in the world, they cannot finish just on time. Anyway, they have endless lifetime to finish, the purpose of re-incarnations and the like. Two souls will continue on even after death, to find the perfect fit.

Sometimes those we think who will never come are the best ones who will make the last chapter, the summary of our whole lifetime.

Closing the Promise

How do you close a promise when it has already been spoken? Heartbreaking as it may seem, one must let go of the promises made with the other because of their passing. During the last few days my husband and I were together, we had this interesting conversation. He suddenly uttered, “…when the time comes you probably have another man in your life”. I couldn’t recall what exactly we were talking about but what he said stuck in my mind. I remember answering in an innocent reply saying that he is my husband and he will be the one and only man in my life and quickly adding why he say such words. Well, the answer became obvious  since four years ago.

He simply replied with his usual soft voice, “thank you”, to end the conversation. Revisiting this scene still gives me shiver.

You continue to love the person despite them being away for quite sometime without expecting their return. Without physical presence the love keeps going on. That is the mystery of love. Surprisingly, there is no pain when they leave. There is even no tear for a time. There is just the air of overwhelming, for the lack of better word, sadness and solidarity.

Promises made, promises broken. Do you betray the man you made a promise with? A question that I believe widow’s like me encounter. The feeling of guilt. While you carry the feeling of being left in the air — it is such a horrible feeling. You cannot be angry, you cannot blame them for leaving.

Do you really betray the man you made a promise with when you decided to join the world of the living? The life we had with our spouses as well as the future we planned with them will always be there. It will forever shape our paths, it affects the way we see the world. Their death is now part of our life. Choosing to live a new life with a new partner or threading a completely opposite life from the one heard by our beloved is incomparable to the promises we made with them. It is not betrayal.

Choosing to live a happier life does not mean that we will forget them. On the other hand, we are giving them a favor by not living in the past and not letting another soul be buried with sorrow and pain on earth while they continue their journey to the after life. Letting go means moving forward while keeping all the memories of the past in our hearts.

There is no betrayal as we continue to honor them for being part of our past. There is no betrayal as the promises made will still be fulfilled only on a different form, in a different situation. There may be a lot of letting go but we can never close a promise once made, they will always be kept in the most sacred room in our hearts, where the love for our spouses live on.

There is no betrayal of the promise, there is only the changing of the chapter.

The Promise

Jean sat by the river as she wept because of a broken promise. As her tears roll down the flowing water she heard a voice, “fulfill my promise to you in the letter. I am serious. I will be there wherever you go, so don’t be afraid to go places. See the world. Have a new life, a new job or a new hobby. I promise you I will be there if I can. You see, I was given a new task to take care of this woman weeping by the river,” said the voice.

“You may feel alone at times, don’t weep. Don’t forget my promise. Though you will have to re-do on your own what we originally planned, as long as your love for me is alive, I will be here to help you. If you only look for me in your soul,” the voice continued.

“It also makes me sad not being able to hold you when you need a hug, or kiss you when I think you look very lovely, or wipe your tears when you cry. It’s the price I have to pay for being so in love with you. My new job is to be your angel.” He contained himself but wanted to say more. Since we are soulmates, it means that our souls are one, we are not meant to be together on earth but our souls are destined to be together in Heaven. The Angel was thinking about the scripture he read that love is letting go.

The woman looked puzzled but asked a question anyway, “why did God take you away from me and only be my angel while we were so happy walking together on earth?”

Because the earth is temporary and heaven is eternal. Given our love for each other, it is heavenly. “Would you still have given yourself to me even if you know I will die soon?” The Angel asked.

Thinking deeply Jean replied, “I would prefer to have wasted time with you for a short moment and feel this overflowing love that transcends eternity than having an average and boring life without it.”

“I know I have always occupied a huge part of your heart and I was so devastated when I found out that I needed to leave. I have talked to the Big Guy, I should not worry. He said he will take care of this special lady for me as I continue my journey to heaven. Now everything is set. Everything here is about love and happiness. No suffering or pain. You will see it when your time comes, but for now, you need to be strong for me. Be happy for me so I can be totally happy to my new home,” said the Angel on a soft and comforting voice.

There might be times when you feel you are lost, don’t worry the Big Guy is in charge. He is always there for you. He knows when you feel fine. He knows when you are feeling your worst. He also knows when you are thinking of me and missing me so much.

“So now He sent me down to guide you on your journey and fulfill my promise to you.” The angel vanished.

The Perfect Description of Love

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 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Reading the Bible once in a while may not seem to change my life. The irony is that, it did! Without me noticing it. Same as prayer, it gave me hope, strength, courage, faith and as the scripture goes….. it also gave me love.

The Bible wants us to distinguish “true love” from any other form of “love” such as lust, envy, greed and selfishness. The Lord wanted us to give love to others with a pure selfless act. It may not only describe the love with our partners, but also with our fellowmen and those who are oppressed, hopeless and depressed.

This is one of my most favorite writings from the Holy Bible as the Lord basically wants us to know that LOVE is what makes the world go round and that it is the greatest power of all.

This force can either stir us to good when the love is accepted and nourished selflessly but can bring us hatred when it is taken from us.

The miracle does not come until you believe in the power of this superb book.