..and then you came into my peaceful abyss.
I was shaken.
I never thought I would feel this way again nor have I forgotten the feeling of being loved.
It feels good.
No matter how hard I try to deny, the feeling is already there.
Sadly, what I am feeling is wrong. Whatever it is, I know this is not love.
If it is, then I wont be feeling hurt or sad or confused. It will lift my soul up. As high as the clouds could reach. Closer to the love only my soulmate could give.
I was perfectly occupied with my world. Convincing myself that I am a contented widow living my life with all the treasures of the world at my hands reach.
Adoring my husband everyday, claiming that he never really left. He is still the one providing for me. Gave me all that he can offer assuming he is still alive. And I will always be eternally grateful for that.
And love. His love, like the air I breath – it was always there. Comforting me every time I feel sad or unsure or about to lose faith. He is my equalizer.
But life, really is not my best friend. A mysterious foe. The moment I say contentment, it gives me something to think about. The moment I say balance, it shakes me.
Now I have to decide if I am really happy or just plainly contented with life.
November used to be the perfect month for me. The month where I get oh so excited about each coming days.
November was my February. My love month. Having this guy around makes time not enough for everything.
Bringing me to the greatest conclusion that – he is my everything and I am his.
And just like last year, today should have been our sixth together.
I envy the old me, when looking at the pictures – she was plainly happy knowing he was always beside her every single day. Nothing else matters back then.
As life made some major turns a few years back, now, I am as lost as when I was in the past. Do not have the slightest idea of which path I should be threading.
Such a beautiful verse I came across from a funeral I attended last month. The words are so powerful that it struck me.
There is indeed a time for everything. God’s time.
There is a time for everything,
And a season for every activity under heaven
A time to be born and a time to die
A time to plant and a time to uproot
A time to kill and a time to heal
A time to tear down and a time to build
A time to weep and a time to laugh
A time to mourn and a time to dance
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them
A time to embrace and a time to refrain
A time to search and a time to give up
A time to keep and a time to throw away
A time to tear and a time to mend
A time to be silent and a time to speak
A time to love and a time to hate
A time for war and a time for peace
What does the worker gain from his soil? I have seen the burden God has laid on me. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
You might think that the worst had passed for me.
And that I am already living the best that life can offer. But as the months, years and days pass the longing and wanting keeps on growing inside.
Behind this funny face and hilarious humor I can play is the other side of me that I dont want people to see.
That every smile I give out to everyone is creating a hole in my heart. The truth that this happiness will never be seen by you.
Not a chance. Not in this lifetime.
That each story I tell everyone is equal to my heart’s desire to tell to it to only you.
That every blink my eyes make, is my heart’s wish to bring you back.
But reality is always there forever checking if I have started to stand up again. I wish that time will come where life and me will realize that they should actually best friends.
Kung puwede lang sana I had five more days, five more years… five more lifetimes with him”; “You may have loved him longer but that doesn’t mean I loved him less”;
“Ayoko, kasi masyado mo akong pinapasaya nakakalimutan ko siya”;
“Ang haba pa ng buhay ko but I’d already lost that one person worth living for”;
“Pagod na kong maging malungkot, ang hirap namang maging masaya kasi nananakit ka ng ibang tao”
“Gusto ko magmahal ulit pero paano ko gagawin ‘yun kung sa puso ko buhay na buhay ka pa.”
Movie: And I Love You So
There are things you thought you already know. No need for validation or so.
But why does it seem you never know the real me.
Confused. Just as you are.
Please let me have the liberty to be me.
And you? Would you like to be you.