The Path that Leads to You

It sometimes is so hard for me to visit you, my love.

Because everytime I walk this long path to you, the burden in my heart doubles.

Because everytime I buy you flowers, makes me angry for you leaving me.

Because everytime I see you, makes me realize the reality that you are never going back.

And that in reality I am mad at you for leaving to a place you know I can never follow.

But most of the time I am sad for knowing that I will never see you anymore even in my dreams that once was better than reality.

Life and Me

I was perfectly occupied with my world. Convincing myself that I am a contented widow living my life with all the treasures of the world at my hands reach.

Adoring my husband everyday, claiming that he never really left. He is still the one providing for me. Gave me all that he can offer assuming he is still alive. And I will always be eternally grateful for that.

And love. His love, like the air I breath – it was always there. Comforting me every time I feel sad or unsure or about to lose faith. He is my equalizer.

But life, really is not my best friend. A mysterious foe. The moment I say contentment, it gives me something to think about. The moment I say balance, it shakes me.

Now I have to decide if I am really happy or just plainly contented with life.

The Perfect Month

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November used to be the perfect month for me. The month where I get oh so excited about each coming days.

November was my February. My love month. Having this guy around makes time not enough for everything.

Bringing me to the greatest conclusion that – he is my everything and I am his.

And just like last year, today should have been our sixth together.

I envy the old me, when looking at the pictures – she was plainly happy knowing he was always beside her every single day. Nothing else matters back then.

As life made some major turns a few years back, now, I am as lost as when I was in the past. Do not have the slightest idea of which path I should be threading.

Full Measure of Happiness

-excerpt from my husband’s love letter in our notebook.

“I will protect and provide for you and our family as best as I can.

I will be your friend in need and in joy.

Your shoulder to cry on,

your passionate lover,

your sparring partner and a true and honest man.

I pray this will give you the full measure of happiness throughout your life that I so dearly wish for you.

You will always have my undying love and devotion – body and soul. “

My Ivory Tower

Where’s your favorite place, may I ask?

It may sound morbid but, the place where my one and only love was buried.

He’s grave.

I dont know why but, it is the only place where my feet takes me everytime I needed a break from all these.

When life feels too much for me, I find myself there.

When I needed to take a good view of life, it is there.

My ivory tower. My place of solitude.

Where the grass and trees are all too friendly to me that I can open up all these hidden emotions.

Where no one will judge why my heart haven’t moved on yet when its already been years.

And I do not have to pretend.

Where the wind touches my cheeks and the sun peeks in my eyes as if telling me that the fight is far from over and reminding me I haven’t given up yet – and that I am on the right track.

The place where a part of my heart was buried.

The place where time stops and looking at nowhere is never a sin.

The place where I can, for a few minutes, be with my beloved.

My heart’s final resting place. My home.

Christmas Thoughts

I entered the door filled with Christmas decors. As I come close to see more of the Christmas rush inside, a mysterious tick in my heart started. A cool breeze of air kissed my face. And I was unconsciously standing still in front of that door, a brief feeling of sadness in my heart is blooming. This was the exact time when life, as I know it, started.

The Christmas I knew was the time when everywhere is filled with Christmas lights and that the night would seem like a universe filled with warm glowing stars while the most perfect feeling lives inside of me — LOVE.

That despite the blinding lights, the only person I see is my husband. That his eyes, were the only thing that matters and can fill my world with glow. His smile would complete my village of dreams as we dance to the romantic beat of the music.

I miss him a lot during these holidays and how everyone seems to have it all figure out.

I almost forgot how I celebrated Christmas or even the feeling of having him beside me on occasions like this. I have a hunch that this simple and perfect life will never happen again and that I will have to set-up a new world. A world where sadness and happiness lives together, a world we call reality.

As the cold air leaves my face, I went back to reality. Determined to see what’s on the other side of the Christmas decorated doors and more convinced to find happiness even without my beloved husband around.


Defining Happiness

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A friend asked me once if I am happy. As I try to be perfectly honest with her I know she wouldn’t understand. I know we differ and that no word can fully explain the deeper meaning of happiness for someone like me. It’s always like this, the more I compel people to understand, the more I sounded like a defensive criminal as I myself is also in doubt.

And so I let go.

In fact I’ve asked myself this question a million times before. Am I really happy or just plainly comfortable with life as it is?

Happiness is the same as any other feelings. It comes and goes. One moment you are sad and then a circumstance comes up and you suddenly feel excited and then it fades. It is part of the daily flow of life.

Happiness for me is the balance of contentment and letting go. Contentment of what has been will be part of my past and that, it will shape who I will become and that letting go is for the hurt and pain that comes along with the memory.

As we go through the different journeys of our life, there are standards we set for ourselves in order to determine our happiness. It does not mean if you aren’t with someone at 40, you are not happy. It is just a norm that we grew up to know.

Our basis for true happiness depends on whether we have someone to lean on (meaning we are dependent on someone). How about thinking the other way, true happiness can also mean giving back to others who needs our care and love the most (well, other than our families). Inspiration came from this book – “The Giving Way to Happiness” by Jenny Santi. Going scientific here, according to her it is proven that giving or helping others releases the same healthy “do-good” chemicals as when we feel when we are romantically involved with someone.

It is what my heart tells me, but unconsciously,  it is not what I want people to see. I know I am happy but it is so difficult to interpret. I try to list down the reasons why but I am in no way near everyone’s expectation of happiness. So, am I?