The Sunset

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Silver Lakes Helendale, Ca 8/14/2015 | Photo: queenie

I watched the sun set today by the lake,
the water was calm, the wind was kissing my cheek.
A perfect view to end the day.
Instead of feeling happy, my heart became sad.

As I adore the scenery, my heart realizes there will always be someone missing in the picture
who might also wish to join me on this great escape
However, our world is as far as heaven and earth.

When Life Happens

She said, “one day I will be a wife, a mother”.

She would usually dream that when that day comes she would know it instantly. Nothing magical nor legendary, nothing like a fairy tale of that sort. Her husband may not be one of the most handsome as long as she wakes up feeling happy, untiringly looking at his face every morning. With the kids around, she would always have a fully booked schedule. A predictable life of simplicity and peace.

One day, life happens.

She met someone. She refused but with a single splash of fate, they dated and got along pretty well. Every second with him was magic and every day was a legend of love’s mysteries. He described vividly the details of their first meeting, he confessed, “the first time I saw you, I literally knew I finally found my wife” – it was her. Looking amazed of how great knowledge this man has that he immediately deciphered the signs and solved the puzzle, she was left in awe.

She realized that sometimes love is so confusing. The other knew exactly the meaning of the signs while she was left in ignorance of what the signs meant. When they looked at their lives backwards, they can only see the spaces they left blank. The times she was not sure of her feelings, the time they both wasted – HIM not fighting harder for her to realize their fate sooner and HER fighting harder to be far away from him.

For others, it was the story of a love that brings inspiration on their own life. A reflection of hope in finding TRUE LOVE. Sometimes I feel that this love story was created to be short-lived as it was perfectly written by the hands of God and that ones the two souls separate, the magic will continue to shower to the whole of the earth.

For them, the power of love that runs through their veins signifies the union of two souls, who, after years of search and delays have finally come into terms. The same power that have brought overflowing joy, abundant blessings and a significant amount of selflessness in their lives. They knew that they were each others happiness and never imagined a life without the other from then on. They have so much love to give to each other it can fill their lifetime.

Then one day, life happens again.

He had to leave unexpectedly. Never in her wildest dreams did she imagine a life without him. They form part of each others happiness. She was lost. Dreadfully lost. That second he left was the same moment her future was taken. Time was running so fast that she cannot catch up. Once again, she was left in awe. The same man who brought her so much happiness is now giving her unbearable sadness.

A part of her died the same time her husband left. As she tries to hold all the memories she could in her mind, she is crushed. She was so afraid that one day all these memories will become vague and that the only connection she has with her husband will soon fade.

She felt pain every heartbeat. A pain that creates an invisible hole in her heart that grows bigger every time she breathes. It was unfair. They, who have given out so much love to the world, were destined to be punished by separation. She often wondered why each day the pain becomes bearable even though the void continues to grow. She was sad because she thought she is moving on. She was afraid that along with moving on, the memories will be gone forever.

Years have passed but she still thinks  of him often, the memories left was clearer than ever as if it happened just yesterday. Even though she worries everyday that the memories will someday fade, she tries her very best to cherish every memory left. The way he looks at her, the way he kisses her, the way he sits on his chair on their old place

For her, this is life re-imagined. A new one. Without her husband.

Later on she realized that the memories will stay though she is not sure until when. It was after all part of her as much as a part of him. Each day is more bearable because the pain and longing have already become part of her. Her mind and body have finally let them in. Tears washes the longing from the heart.

Sometimes losing the one you love, the person you never imagined leaving you, will force you to restructure the life you imagined, the comfortable life you planned.

As their story ends, she didn’t get to create the family she so long wanted and there will be no chance for them to make it. She continue to live her life no matter how empty she feels her heart is. She chose the path where she would fight harder every single day for life to give her the love she deserves, she will never give up. She gets the strength from the love left by her soulmate that will fill her until she finds the NEW LOVE she so long deserve.

Every Moment Matters

Life is still full of happiness and love despite the loss of the people we so long to be with. They were the many reasons why the journey was worth it. They bring beautiful colors in our once gray life and that is how we move forward. Unfortunately, in the middle of our grief, we continually turned down as we realize that nothing will make them go back despite our efforts, despite our tears, despite our desperate attempts.

It is after all a temporary ride so be patient.

Things happen as they should. Never think that the year that passed was wasted. That situation was meant to be there. That year was meant for us to stop and think about our life. It may mean you have to resign from your current job or you may have to change your place.

It was meant to happen as it is. Never regret. There was no time wasted. It happened as it should be.

Would you think that if you stayed in your job ’til the end, you will be happy? You would not have traveled the world at your twenties if you didn’t take that risk. Rarely are people who get the chance to travel the world on their twenties. You have choices when it seem you don’t. A lot better than others.

So never regret a day a month or a year you thought you have wasted, by just simply curling in bed and wishing this day would go by as fast as your husband left. Sadly, there will always be times like that. Mind you, there will be thousands of moments you will experience loneliness in your lifetime. But be strong enough to fight it.

“Death is not a single occasion. not like birthday or Christmas celebrated once a year. death of a loved one is more of daily event in your life.”

Prisoner

nowhere to go, nowhere to run.

looks like this is the end of the line.

a prisoner of my own self,

depression and insanity is waiting by the corner

let me be free

from this prison i myself built

i need someone to free me

and get me back to reality

this dark and empty alley

where i normally walk

seems like a never-ending journey

i am tired, let me be free

from this prison of loneliness

full of darkness and desperation

give me strength, give me one more day

as i try to escape from the four corners of insanity

dear Lord, give me more strength

i beg you please, release me to this world of confusion