Death and Love

A friend asked me today if I already healed after my husband’s death. And that I should not lose hope on love. I know she means well.

Seriously, I appreciate it a lot knowing that a person who experienced the same as mine is the best person to say such things to me.

I lost my husband to death and she (as she described), lost hers for another woman. Well, she is correct in a way, since our relationships both have ended. We both have went through the stages of grief. Which is totally different for each person.

As she narrated her story of how she managed to get out of depression and lucky for her to find another man in her life, I am an admirer. How she is able to speak her life and show compassion to people just like us. I wished her well and thanked her for her story of inspiration. That there is hope after a storm. And that the pain you feel will simply go away.

But what is keeping my mind from her story is that, pain (seriously) for a young widow like me is not the hardest part but instead, the memories.

When you lost the love of your life for another person, the pain cuts through the insides of you. Carefully removing all your sanity. When love is lost, you learn how to describe the deepest meaning of pain. You will keep questioning yourself what went wrong or what did you do wrong. As much as you can, you try your hardest to erase all the memories you had with that person. Ego is your enemy.

Love is equal to pain.

But when death cuts off love, honestly, there is no pain. There is only the continuous sound of deafening silence. It could be what they call sadness. I’m sure it’s not pain. Love has never really forsaken you, it is still there. There is no pain for a husband who never did hurt me with his passing. It is not his fault that he left, in fact he might not want to. He might have made a negotiation with the angel calling him, to let him stick with his wife for a little while. But maybe, that is not how things go in the world of spirits.

Love is equal to sadness.

In death, you don’t have a chance to meet him on a coffee shop or cross path on the streets on your way to work. It means, the small hope to revive the love between you will never happen as you have already laid his lifeless body on his grave. You cannot create more memories in death.

In divorce, your partner is still alive. A chance of meeting him once in your lifetime is possible. The small hope you deny in your heart to revive a love that was lost is actually probable. There is still a chance of filling in your memory bank. The sweetest part is you can still take you revenge if you want to. You can make him regret leaving you for another person. In death you cannot do that anymore.

Death makes you become humble and cherish life.

The difference is there and I do not want to compare that losing love through death is harder than losing love through annulment (or vice versa), these are two different cases, I suppose.

The Performer

She speaks so timidly, in a way you will think that she has the most soft spoken voice and the kindest heart.

She is beautiful, with all the definition of a woman could be. The one who has the flawless face and light-skinned tone. She is indeed a divah inside a closet.

After the show when she removes her make up and wigs, her real face is what she sees in the mirror. The girl who has a dream to reach success on her younger years. She will do anything to be on top and she didn’t mind how she will do it.

She is a performer. A divah inside a closet. But when the show ends and the curtains roll down, she looks at her true self on the mirror. Staring at herself wiping the tears, looking at the person she never met before.

No Tricks This Time

A few days after the trick or treatin’ and I am still on my bed. Well this is my special day but I couldn’t get myself up to start it because of this weak feeling of bad flu and colds for days. Unfortunately, the plans I made will be spent with my comfy bed and a couple of tissue for the rest of the day. What else can I do, aside from lying in bed and occasionally get up to go to the bathroom, but to allow my mind to wander on places I wish to go and to reminisce the places I have been in the past.

Last year was a little more interesting. I had to celebrate my birthday at the highest view of the Horseshoe Bend (on a sunset) and at the lowest point of the Antelope Canyon both at Page, Arizona without anyone knowing that their trekking buddy (me!) is changing age as of the moment — just like a snake changing skin every now and then.. haha!

It was such a wonderful feeling of nostalgia when I stood at a certain point. A feeling of longing for the lost past and a feeling of excitement for what the future may bring to my life. I wished for that moment, to find solitude in nature, to just simply breath the fresh air while my eyes are closed as if trying to force the time to stop and take a picture of the perfect moment.

Can’t believe that it has been a swift 12 months already, it feels as if I am still living on my grandest vacay ever!

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And yes.. it is only a sweet long vacation and that the time will come I will have to get back to reality where perfection is unknown and change is consistent.

Moments like this in the past may have only occupied quite a small space in my jar, but the feelings it brought into my life are the ones that shaped my perception about life itself. The feelings of balance and serenity, humbleness and simplicity.

I have been roaming half the world since my late twenties experiencing the clear waters of the country’s treasured provinces or visiting the mysterious leaning tower in Pisa or giving my respect to the Vatican, Catholics consider as holy ground. I must say, some are overrated while others are obviously not. I find peace in places where few people know about and where ladies restrooms are not crowded by weary tourists.

As last year was more interesting than the previous, I wish to go places; doesn’t matter if I have been there before, as long as the journey takes me to an interesting ride.

“It’s your road and yours alone, others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.”

Living the “Thirties World”

I have for the past year (and soon two years) been living in the world as a thirty something woman. There has been a lot of ups and downs. A series of adventures and boredom. A mouthful of hopes and giving ups. It is indeed an unpredictable life.

I thought that when I turn thirty I will be wiser. Well, smarter than when I was in my twenties. So I can’t wait for my birthday to come when I was twenty-nine. But it seems as if the more I get into a new phase, the more complicated things get. The more you know things, the more you get confused. I thought I would be more in control but the things around me does get me back to reality. The more things come up, the more you learn to change what was originally planned.

I thought that being thirty would mean that you have more right in the world to experience loss, heartbreaks and mourning but instead you realize when you wake up that you have a lot lesser time to accomplish your goals in life. It would mean lesser time for you to get up and fix yourself. Lesser time to be “successful”. As time continue to tick, you wish that the clock would stop for once but unfortunately you end up tired of running after the lost time. You didn’t notice that you have moved on again to another phase.

I thought it would become easier because in your thirties people will not think of you as a young indecisive individual. You have already gained the badge of being a credible thinker. A reliable decision-maker. You might also moved up a notch in your finances, believing that the world is now on your side, opportunities keep crawling on you but you realize later on money is not everything.

You mature. You learn.

I realized that you can’t figure out everything all at once. You just have to be true to yourself and accept that you still have a lot to learn. There are people, even in their forties, who have totally no idea of what they want in their life. They act as if they know everything and prove to everyone that they are always right, bluff about how they managed to ‘get out of this’ or ‘survive that’ but truth is, they are also as confused and scared with life as everyone else.

I keep them close, the people who managed to live until the dawn of their life, who share stories about their humble beginnings. I admire them, as I know their words will become my treasure one day. The people who admit that they made many mistakes, that they learned from it and that they do not know everything yet. On the other hand, I take notice of others who might need my advice as I see myself in them.

I realized that age is only a number. There are people younger than me who experienced overwhelming tragedies a lot sooner in life. Lost several family members or was forced to live alone. They are more admirable because at their young age, they survived. They did not grow bitter, they still smile. They still believe in the power of God. Their heads are always held up high while keeping their feet on the ground. The good part is that they realize early in life what the most important things are, neither money nor fame but all other immaterial things such as faith, compassion and love.

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” Mark Twain

Shades of Love

Since I have been writing several items on the very powerful force on earth (and my favorite one) which is love, I was meaning for quite sometime now to write something about the different shades of (romantic) love. As we are all very familiar that love is not only felt once, it is repeated countless times before we find the “right one”. I have collected stories that inspired me and others shaped me on how I should view the different shades of love.

I met a guy from one of our mountain adventures a few long years ago. He is also a nature lover. A good point to look for in a man. Having the interest of taking time to see nature and at the same time take care of it only means that he knows how to take care of his girl. Unfortunately, Cupid was not looking when he started throwing arrows at me, he didn’t hit me right but this guy was love struck. Oh, the feeling of having a cup of coffee ready in the morning outside your tent, on top of a mountain, signals a start of a perfect hike to the summit. And so it did. During the whole hike I felt the admiration and to be frank, it felt good for having someone to admire you (or your beauty?) despite being all sweaty, soiled and dirty and having met you for the first time. Or maybe this is just nature talking as there are several forces inside the forest we are in, who knows, the gods are playing games with us. But hey, a little attention from men are good sometimes as long as you stay true to yourself, grounded and know your limits.

I gave love a chance, as I normally do. When in doubt, take a chance. He asked me out, I said yes. Everything was smooth. We went for a movie and had dinner. There was even the sign I asked for if he is the right guy for me. There was fireworks while a part of my mind are scrambling inside my head trying to do every telekinesis it can do to prevent the fireworks from showing, but to no avail. Would you think that he is the right one I’m destined to be with? I didn’t have a doubt, he is not. There is something lacking. There was no spark coming from me. All the electricity I’m feeling was all from him and that did not sound right.

A platonic love. One-way relationship. That is not fair for anyone who’s in their shoes. So I did what I needed to do but don’t want to do — tell him the real score between us. I don’t want to hurt him lest, I gave it a try.  He is such a sweet guy who’s just being true to his feelings. Trust me, he can give love a million times more, so I do not deserve him. He deserves someone who will return the favor and I think he found her already. That is the good karma on his way. I’m glad I remained to be his friend, well, at least on facebook.

I always believe my intuition. I believe that fate does exist and I am not fated to be with him. I also believe in karma, good or bad. And playing with feelings is a very serious crime, it will make or break someone’s life and once you do, expect for a payback soon.

This guy is wonderful and quite mysterious. The kind of James Bond mysterious or someone like that. Such a gentleman who stands quite tall with dark complexion. We used to talk countless nights on the phone. Talking about sweet nothings and even going out on vacations with friends who have no idea that something is going on between us. Well, I also am a good keeper of secrets. With the duration of phone calls and being casual when around our friends, made my feelings grow. Although at times I really can’t read his mind if he is being serious or not, it adds up to the mysteriousness which most women like.

I thought that this is it, I am already feeling something. But I have a huge problem, I don’t know how to tell him. This is the case of “he likes you before but then you are so hard to get that he found another one”. Obviously and confusingly, he found another who is more open about them being together. Or so he thought. They didn’t last long. And the last laugh was mine. How did he find time to look for other women when he was always calling me?… Hmmm.. so mysterious. He’s now in a long-term relationship with another lady.

I can’t imagine the awkwardness on how I found out of this when I am stuck with the two of them for days, luckily friends are nearby. Though they didn’t had any clue that I am as brokenhearted as a broken piece of glass.

As this phenomenon “he likes you before but then you are so hard to get that he found another one” has never been spoken again, I also am not quite sure if this has taken place, it took time for me to loosen up but we remained friends. The situation was so complicated and well-played that I learned to be more open on sharing my feelings as soon as you felt it as time  maybe running out.

He is a handsome guy. Cupid was right on time as he hits both of us with his arrow of love. Haha. It was love at first sight. Yes, it is at first meeting that we felt the complete set of sparks and connection that evening. Even sharing the same plate on the first meeting is a hint that I am head over heels, as if we have known each other for a long time. A common friend connects us, so it is not that hard to know each other since on every occasion our common friend have, we are always there, although on different groups.

I was so blinded by love that I thought that it is true love, or is it like that every time you are in a relationship? Or yah, love once felt is always true. There is no such thing as false love. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and I really believed that he is the one. He introduced me to his wonderful family one Sunday morning. I will not forget how their house was filled with relatives when we arrived. I think there was also some neighbors out there peeking at their window and doorway, who just wanted to see the now grown boy they used to know is bringing a girl home for the first time. I love his family, they are happy and lives simply.

As time moves forward, we have created a lot of happy and sad memories even recalling the first time I met his great grandmother, she was so old that she is just listening to my voice (I think she even touched my face), since she cannot see anymore. I remember the great grandmother telling him to make me wear a helmet, so I will not bump my head and wake up. Then, in turn, she said to me to take care of him. That night after I went home, she died. For me, that instance meant that there is something special in our relationship. He could probably be my soulmate.

The relationship was great. We are always in love. The spark is always there. His family loves me and I love them too. But then something is missing, we needed to separate. It can be our differences in perspective, our immaturity or once again fate. Fate needed to move in to make way for other great things.

I was heartbroken and I cried for days and months as the picture from when the last time I saw him keeps playing in my mind, our break-up scene. I felt the spark that was the only thing keeping us together is slowly losing power. I doubted the love, I felt betrayed, I felt cheated and the only person who can remove all the pain will never come back. The love at first sight that was filled with a choir of Cupids is now replaced by the clouds of storm and rain.

Thousands of reasons not to believe in love anymore, but I still do. I know that love may be so confusing and frustrating, it gave color to my once grayish life. It still is the one that gave me happiness, pleasure and magic. But he’s just not the one.

Although the people change, the love, the pain and all other emotions felt during the course of the relationship, was true. It may not be felt anymore but it was real — it was not only meant to stay FOREVER.

Serendipity, Love and Cupid

Serendipity. I’m in love with this word.

serendipity (serənˈdipədē) – life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences but rather it is a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite sublime plan.

I like to believe that I am always in love. I love LOVE. Even though I am not romantically linked to anyone right now – I love dreaming about love. Even though I have lost an overwhelming love once – I treasure the love that was created. Even though I was heart broken – I still believe in love.

I love how it makes people go crazy. I love how this unseen force separate countries and beliefs. I love how it create miracles and how it changes the world. I love how it determines someone’s happiness or sadness. I love simply how it is being said by anyone to someone. Who knows, it also saves a life.

Serendipity for me is the twin sister of Love. They work as a team with Cupid as their leader. They search for soulmates who never realize they are one. Cupid sends off his arrow and Love comes along. Serendipity is the one who glues them together. Creates coincidences and accidents so these two souls would mingle. Serendipity is the one who do the hard work among them. He sticks together with the soul mate until they find the key to each others heart.

They are a pretty busy team. When the mission is accomplished, they hunt for another pair. As love has always been in the far hidden corner of everyone’s heart, Serendipity, Love and Cupid has a lot of work to do to match each and every soul roaming the earth. Some are stubborn while some are open. Some are shy while others are impatient. Some souls run vainly around finding their right pair but without these three, they are lost. Trying to fit an imperfect set. With their service, all souls will be alright.

They might come a little late in life but please understand that with billions of souls in the world, they cannot finish just on time. Anyway, they have endless lifetime to finish, the purpose of re-incarnations and the like. Two souls will continue on even after death, to find the perfect fit.

Sometimes those we think who will never come are the best ones who will make the last chapter, the summary of our whole lifetime.

Seven Things I Believe In Every Morning

Seventh

I believe that my prayer last night was effective.

Sixth

I believe that coffee will wake me up.

Fifth

I believe that meditation removes stress.

Fourth

I believe on this – “what goes around, comes around”.

Third

I believe that soulmates really exists.

Second

I believe that I have at least one guardian angel.

First

I believe that in the near future, something great will happen.