I am here. Back to where I started.
But why do I feel empty. Isn’t this my soul’s wish?
To one day see the world and then return to what I call home.
The sad part is that, the place you want to return to is not the same anymore..
It has evolved the same time you have left it, without skipping a heart bit.
It has changed a lot since the last time you lay eyes on the old place.
This time you are thinking if you can still live in here anymore.
Or the life you once despised — you are now accustomed to and want to go back in reverse.
Now, everytime you close your eyes, you dream of being in the world where you have left.
And the life you once longed to always go back to, seems like a far away dream as you come close to it.
I decided to follow Jesus!
This Sunday’s gospel was good. But what caught my attention was when the priest started singing on his beautiful African voice, “I decided to follow Jesus”. Then it became my last song syndrome.
It was a short phrase but a pretty powerful one. It never left my mind after that sunny Sunday mass.
What does that short phrase mean, anyway, that it affected me so much? I even felt that this short phrase is a calling
Of all the things that happened in my life, it could probably mean one of the following:
- a hello from the Lord saying that He is will always here watching over me.
- He is talking to me telling me that my dear husband is beside Him solemnly happy hanging out with the angels.
- a knock knock from the door saying there is another door that needs to be opened.
- my alarm clock to wake me up reminding me that its exactly the right time to go out and show the world that I am ready!
Well, whatever that message was. I still believe that it was intended to be received by the recipient and that’s me. No matter what the message is, as I move forward in life, I will slowly find the meaning He so want to send me.
Come to think of it, there might not be a hidden message after all. How about just plainly deciding to follow Jesus with no doubt.
That moment when your life is routinely organized day in and day out. You wake up, make coffee, sit at the couch, get the remote and watch tv, go to the kitchen and cook early lunch for one and go back to slouching in the couch, clicking the remote trying to find a decent tv show.
Clicking over and over until the day ends. It was a long day.
Boredom strikes again. Mood swings and all. Can’t help it though.
truly, love is so addicting.
at first you feel you can control the desire to think of that person.
when a moment with him starts to find its way into your head, it is so easy for you to shrug it off.
As time moves on, you yearn for that person when he’s not with you.
Your feelings grow confused.
When the magical effect of this drug called love starts to sip your strength, you grow weary.
You know you left something important – but you cant figure out what that is.
But you know this cant be.
So your poor heart will be left bruised. Torn between fighting for the feeling at the same time teaching it to let go.
You find yourself lonely again. Sad but it’s reality.
nowhere to go, nowhere to run.
looks like this is the end of the line.
a prisoner of my own self,
depression and insanity is waiting by the corner
let me be free
from this prison i myself built
i need someone to free me
and get me back to reality
this dark and empty alley
where i normally walk
seems like a never-ending journey
i am tired, let me be free
from this prison of loneliness
full of darkness and desperation
give me strength, give me one more day
as i try to escape from the four corners of insanity
dear Lord, give me more strength
i beg you please, release me to this world of confusion