Death and Love

A friend asked me today if I already healed after my husband’s death. And that I should not lose hope on love. I know she means well.

Seriously, I appreciate it a lot knowing that a person who experienced the same as mine is the best person to say such things to me.

I lost my husband to death and she (as she described), lost hers for another woman. Well, she is correct in a way, since our relationships both have ended. We both have went through the stages of grief. Which is totally different for each person.

As she narrated her story of how she managed to get out of depression and lucky for her to find another man in her life, I am an admirer. How she is able to speak her life and show compassion to people just like us. I wished her well and thanked her for her story of inspiration. That there is hope after a storm. And that the pain you feel will simply go away.

But what is keeping my mind from her story is that, pain (seriously) for a young widow like me is not the hardest part but instead, the memories.

When you lost the love of your life for another person, the pain cuts through the insides of you. Carefully removing all your sanity. When love is lost, you learn how to describe the deepest meaning of pain. You will keep questioning yourself what went wrong or what did you do wrong. As much as you can, you try your hardest to erase all the memories you had with that person. Ego is your enemy.

Love is equal to pain.

But when death cuts off love, honestly, there is no pain. There is only the continuous sound of deafening silence. It could be what they call sadness. I’m sure it’s not pain. Love has never really forsaken you, it is still there. There is no pain for a husband who never did hurt me with his passing. It is not his fault that he left, in fact he might not want to. He might have made a negotiation with the angel calling him, to let him stick with his wife for a little while. But maybe, that is not how things go in the world of spirits.

Love is equal to sadness.

In death, you don’t have a chance to meet him on a coffee shop or cross path on the streets on your way to work. It means, the small hope to revive the love between you will never happen as you have already laid his lifeless body on his grave. You cannot create more memories in death.

In divorce, your partner is still alive. A chance of meeting him once in your lifetime is possible. The small hope you deny in your heart to revive a love that was lost is actually probable. There is still a chance of filling in your memory bank. The sweetest part is you can still take you revenge if you want to. You can make him regret leaving you for another person. In death you cannot do that anymore.

Death makes you become humble and cherish life.

The difference is there and I do not want to compare that losing love through death is harder than losing love through annulment (or vice versa), these are two different cases, I suppose.

Coffee Energized Scrub, please?

photo credit mont albo

…and that’s with an hour of massage. Ahhh! This is life! Zzzzz…

This past few days I have been extremely busy and starting to get exhausted. My body has been begging me to book an appointment for massage since I came back from Boracay.

It is the first time I tried this package from Mont Albo because normally I would get my regular body massage at Nature’s Way. Since the place where it is located is just across my house, so I preferred to try it instead. I am also just lucky today that at 12nn is not yet their peak hour. Honestly, it has been my nth time going back to Mont Albo as a walk-in client, but everytime I inquire, they are always full. Which is just great! (Sarcastically speaking 😆)

For only 950 pesos, I must say that I have the relaxation my body was calling for. The aroma of the coffee scrub and the moderate pressure of my masseuse is just in perfect timing.

So definitely I will be back. That is if they are not fully booked when I return.

The Performer

She speaks so timidly, in a way you will think that she has the most soft spoken voice and the kindest heart.

She is beautiful, with all the definition of a woman could be. The one who has the flawless face and light-skinned tone. She is indeed a divah inside a closet.

After the show when she removes her make up and wigs, her real face is what she sees in the mirror. The girl who has a dream to reach success on her younger years. She will do anything to be on top and she didn’t mind how she will do it.

She is a performer. A divah inside a closet. But when the show ends and the curtains roll down, she looks at her true self on the mirror. Staring at herself wiping the tears, looking at the person she never met before.

Our Footprints

After a few years I went back to the place where it all started. Nostalgic.

With all the footprints embedded on the sand, I wished to see both the steps we made years ago. The four foot prints on the sand, each pair telling a story of love. Walking side by side at the same direction. But I know I will never find it again, just as you and I will never have a chance to meet again.

I know this is crazy, but a part of me has been trying to re-create this picture of you and me. With all the strangers who walked on the same direction us ours erasing our path of memory, I felt the past.

I am in the past.

Where memories are starting and everything is clear. When the sunset is the sign of another night of love and nature/

Is it always going to be like this, the moment I start to feel at home with you, that’s the time you will leave?  The very moment I figured out what I want to do with my life, that’s the time the wind will change.

Rush Hour

As I squeeze myself inside the crowd and find myself a comfortable seat, I couldn’t help but overhear a boy with his little sister and mother also trying to fit inside the bus.

Luckily, someone was kind enough to offer a seat to the mother and the sister but not for the little boy.

As he complained for almost half the trip saying that his feet are so tired to stand up and that he’s so sleepy. I couldn’t blame him as he is telling the truth. It is indeed a long traffic jam on a rush hour.

As we pass along the stretch of España Blvd. with the universities and schools on the view, the boy said, “gusto ko mag-aral dyan mama paglaki ko!”. His mom just smirked and said, “hmp, ang mahal, mahal dyan”.

And the rest of the trip the little boy continuously complain.

It’s just so nice to hear such innocent words from children. With their innocence come sincerity and our old dreams. As adults we are so overwhelmed with making money in order to live and we forget the kid screaming and knocking in our hearts, as if wanted to remind us of our forgotten dreams and simple wishes.

The Unexpected Message

*my heartfelt experience on visiting the Manaoag church.


“Minsan ang hinahanap nating sagot sa ating mga katanungan ay nasa sarili lang natin.”

We arrived in the famous church during the mid of the day with the extreme heat of the sun causing us to feel uncomfortable.

As we walked to the path going inside the church where a Eucharist is being celebrated, just before I took my first step in the doors of the church, the first few words I heard from the priest’s homily was that phrase.

That’s a message right there. It could be for me but it could also be a message for the other hundred devotees visiting the church.

I may not know what that meant in my life right now or it could be that, that is the question my soul have been asking me all along.

What I feel was that someone up there was expecting my visit. He has everything prepared for me as I was unexpectedly blessed by the holy water not only once but on three occasions. Although I am not really the religious type, it is not really my body communing with Him during that whole experience, but my soul. This is one of the mysteries of the universe that the body do not need to understand.

Meantime, I asked my friend to buy me 3 white candles since she is already in the line. I have not told her the reason behind the 3 white candles until she already bought different shapes of candle. I told her later on that I want to offer it to my husband, my father and my uncle, who died recently.

I did not realize until she told me that the shapes she chose is just right for me. She gave me a heart and 2 leaf-shaped candles. The heart is for my dear husband and the 2 leafs are for my father and uncle which means that the heart-shaped candle is for the love of my life and the 2 leaf-shaped candles are for my blood family. 

I longed to relieve my body with all the stress brought by the busy metro but later did I know that it was my soul that was screaming for balance.

I will definitely go back to Manaoag church. I don’t know what is, but there is something in that place that connects my soul that even my friend shared the same feeling.

Too Late

Kindness is so rare these days that people misinterpret it as flirting.

And I am one of those people who misunderstood it.

When I felt no one cared for me, he offered his friendship.

When I felt love have gone far from me, he made me feel special.

How could I ever feel that he is just taking advantage of my weakness when all this time he just wanted to help.

He sees in me a sister, a close friend. But now he is gone. Without any news from him.

I miss him.