Photograph on My Wall

Today sDSC_0270hould have been our fifth year anniversary.

This past few days aside from being bedridden by flu, I have been busy looking at my husband’s photograph hanging on the next room’s wall. God! how I almost forgot the color of his eyes. It beams as it is being struck by the sun’s morning rays. I whisper, “green gray”.

I’m surprised my tears are not falling this time. Could this be it? Could this be a sign that I have finally moved away from grief? There’s a lot of things to say to him as I continue to look at him. Things that happened to me for the past four years that he has left. My heart is dying to tell him every single bit of experiences I went through without him, as if a child who’s so excited to tell her father about her day.

As I continue to look at his picture, my mind starts to talk about reality while my heart starts to get confused. Reality is when I am looking at his photograph — right now. It is this rare moment when he is looking back at me and listening to my every story. But then, reality is when he is not physically there, he will not answer. He will only be the photograph in front of me.

I felt tears are now flowing on my cheek. While I wipe the tears with both hands, I maintained the eye contact. I have always been mesmerized by his eyes. There is something in it that made me love him more each day before. He tells me that his eyes are exclusively mine as no one has ever touched it.

He makes me want to see his soul.

As I look into it, I saw overwhelming love. Great love that has long been suppressed, can’t wait to get out. And now that he has found the mate of his soul, I realized those unexplained glow comes from a universe filled with forces of love and peace. Wishing that one day, I will be able to see it once again but on some other time.

Oh! I miss those green gray eyes looking back at me. 😞

Songhits

A throwback version of Backstreet Boys’, 🎶…but my love is all I have to give. without you I don’t think I can live!🎶 was being played in the t.v. as I turn it on. Suddenly, a nostalgic feeling from the past came crawling in to my head. haha.

Oh, those innocent high school days! Where did it go? It has been more than a decade a young petite girl anxiously trying to figure out what life is going to be in the future. Impatiently wishing to grow up so fast that she may finally find her “knight and shining armor”.

As I hear the last few lyrics before the song ends, funny to remember the guy who I can say inspired my going to school and (ohh well!) reasons of my failing grades and all. haha. Made me a lot of use of daydreams about him and all. Ohh! o_O As the Backstreet Boys were such a major hit during that time, I used to think that he is my Nick Carter with the blonde (because probably he used artificial hair color) and neatly combed (semi-long) hair.

I giggle as I write this article as a picture of him in my mind almost makes me laugh. But during those childhood memories, he was the coolest guy ever. haha. And I was broken-hearted. My first broken heart 💔.

We were so childishly happy that we actually became a couple. Well, not seriously. But for me, I don’t want that feeling to end. It was sooo.. sooo.. feels like a grown up.

It actually is funny that when we are younger, we base our relationships on songs and its meanings. That if it made us join the bit, this should also be the guideline of our relationship. As we grow older, we realize that love (or life in general) is not at all about a simple meaning of a song.

As we grow older, we realize that there are a lot more important manuscripts that we need to know by heart. That as we grow older, we need a daily dose of it. It is the source of our strength when we feel our lowest. It is the shield that will protect us. This force is more than the power of the song that gives us chills everytime we hear it when we were wild teens.

This is our faith. Our belief of the true God and His power over the world. All of its hidden secrets are in the greatest manuscript ever told, it is the Holy Bible.

No Tricks This Time

A few days after the trick or treatin’ and I am still on my bed. Well this is my special day but I couldn’t get myself up to start it because of this weak feeling of bad flu and colds for days. Unfortunately, the plans I made will be spent with my comfy bed and a couple of tissue for the rest of the day. What else can I do, aside from lying in bed and occasionally get up to go to the bathroom, but to allow my mind to wander on places I wish to go and to reminisce the places I have been in the past.

Last year was a little more interesting. I had to celebrate my birthday at the highest view of the Horseshoe Bend (on a sunset) and at the lowest point of the Antelope Canyon both at Page, Arizona without anyone knowing that their trekking buddy (me!) is changing age as of the moment — just like a snake changing skin every now and then.. haha!

It was such a wonderful feeling of nostalgia when I stood at a certain point. A feeling of longing for the lost past and a feeling of excitement for what the future may bring to my life. I wished for that moment, to find solitude in nature, to just simply breath the fresh air while my eyes are closed as if trying to force the time to stop and take a picture of the perfect moment.

Can’t believe that it has been a swift 12 months already, it feels as if I am still living on my grandest vacay ever!

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And yes.. it is only a sweet long vacation and that the time will come I will have to get back to reality where perfection is unknown and change is consistent.

Moments like this in the past may have only occupied quite a small space in my jar, but the feelings it brought into my life are the ones that shaped my perception about life itself. The feelings of balance and serenity, humbleness and simplicity.

I have been roaming half the world since my late twenties experiencing the clear waters of the country’s treasured provinces or visiting the mysterious leaning tower in Pisa or giving my respect to the Vatican, Catholics consider as holy ground. I must say, some are overrated while others are obviously not. I find peace in places where few people know about and where ladies restrooms are not crowded by weary tourists.

As last year was more interesting than the previous, I wish to go places; doesn’t matter if I have been there before, as long as the journey takes me to an interesting ride.

“It’s your road and yours alone, others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.”