Shades of Love

Since I have been writing several items on the very powerful force on earth (and my favorite one) which is love, I was meaning for quite sometime now to write something about the different shades of (romantic) love. As we are all very familiar that love is not only felt once, it is repeated countless times before we find the “right one”. I have collected stories that inspired me and others shaped me on how I should view the different shades of love.

I met a guy from one of our mountain adventures a few long years ago. He is also a nature lover. A good point to look for in a man. Having the interest of taking time to see nature and at the same time take care of it only means that he knows how to take care of his girl. Unfortunately, Cupid was not looking when he started throwing arrows at me, he didn’t hit me right but this guy was love struck. Oh, the feeling of having a cup of coffee ready in the morning outside your tent, on top of a mountain, signals a start of a perfect hike to the summit. And so it did. During the whole hike I felt the admiration and to be frank, it felt good for having someone to admire you (or your beauty?) despite being all sweaty, soiled and dirty and having met you for the first time. Or maybe this is just nature talking as there are several forces inside the forest we are in, who knows, the gods are playing games with us. But hey, a little attention from men are good sometimes as long as you stay true to yourself, grounded and know your limits.

I gave love a chance, as I normally do. When in doubt, take a chance. He asked me out, I said yes. Everything was smooth. We went for a movie and had dinner. There was even the sign I asked for if he is the right guy for me. There was fireworks while a part of my mind are scrambling inside my head trying to do every telekinesis it can do to prevent the fireworks from showing, but to no avail. Would you think that he is the right one I’m destined to be with? I didn’t have a doubt, he is not. There is something lacking. There was no spark coming from me. All the electricity I’m feeling was all from him and that did not sound right.

A platonic love. One-way relationship. That is not fair for anyone who’s in their shoes. So I did what I needed to do but don’t want to do — tell him the real score between us. I don’t want to hurt him lest, I gave it a try.  He is such a sweet guy who’s just being true to his feelings. Trust me, he can give love a million times more, so I do not deserve him. He deserves someone who will return the favor and I think he found her already. That is the good karma on his way. I’m glad I remained to be his friend, well, at least on facebook.

I always believe my intuition. I believe that fate does exist and I am not fated to be with him. I also believe in karma, good or bad. And playing with feelings is a very serious crime, it will make or break someone’s life and once you do, expect for a payback soon.

This guy is wonderful and quite mysterious. The kind of James Bond mysterious or someone like that. Such a gentleman who stands quite tall with dark complexion. We used to talk countless nights on the phone. Talking about sweet nothings and even going out on vacations with friends who have no idea that something is going on between us. Well, I also am a good keeper of secrets. With the duration of phone calls and being casual when around our friends, made my feelings grow. Although at times I really can’t read his mind if he is being serious or not, it adds up to the mysteriousness which most women like.

I thought that this is it, I am already feeling something. But I have a huge problem, I don’t know how to tell him. This is the case of “he likes you before but then you are so hard to get that he found another one”. Obviously and confusingly, he found another who is more open about them being together. Or so he thought. They didn’t last long. And the last laugh was mine. How did he find time to look for other women when he was always calling me?… Hmmm.. so mysterious. He’s now in a long-term relationship with another lady.

I can’t imagine the awkwardness on how I found out of this when I am stuck with the two of them for days, luckily friends are nearby. Though they didn’t had any clue that I am as brokenhearted as a broken piece of glass.

As this phenomenon “he likes you before but then you are so hard to get that he found another one” has never been spoken again, I also am not quite sure if this has taken place, it took time for me to loosen up but we remained friends. The situation was so complicated and well-played that I learned to be more open on sharing my feelings as soon as you felt it as time  maybe running out.

He is a handsome guy. Cupid was right on time as he hits both of us with his arrow of love. Haha. It was love at first sight. Yes, it is at first meeting that we felt the complete set of sparks and connection that evening. Even sharing the same plate on the first meeting is a hint that I am head over heels, as if we have known each other for a long time. A common friend connects us, so it is not that hard to know each other since on every occasion our common friend have, we are always there, although on different groups.

I was so blinded by love that I thought that it is true love, or is it like that every time you are in a relationship? Or yah, love once felt is always true. There is no such thing as false love. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and I really believed that he is the one. He introduced me to his wonderful family one Sunday morning. I will not forget how their house was filled with relatives when we arrived. I think there was also some neighbors out there peeking at their window and doorway, who just wanted to see the now grown boy they used to know is bringing a girl home for the first time. I love his family, they are happy and lives simply.

As time moves forward, we have created a lot of happy and sad memories even recalling the first time I met his great grandmother, she was so old that she is just listening to my voice (I think she even touched my face), since she cannot see anymore. I remember the great grandmother telling him to make me wear a helmet, so I will not bump my head and wake up. Then, in turn, she said to me to take care of him. That night after I went home, she died. For me, that instance meant that there is something special in our relationship. He could probably be my soulmate.

The relationship was great. We are always in love. The spark is always there. His family loves me and I love them too. But then something is missing, we needed to separate. It can be our differences in perspective, our immaturity or once again fate. Fate needed to move in to make way for other great things.

I was heartbroken and I cried for days and months as the picture from when the last time I saw him keeps playing in my mind, our break-up scene. I felt the spark that was the only thing keeping us together is slowly losing power. I doubted the love, I felt betrayed, I felt cheated and the only person who can remove all the pain will never come back. The love at first sight that was filled with a choir of Cupids is now replaced by the clouds of storm and rain.

Thousands of reasons not to believe in love anymore, but I still do. I know that love may be so confusing and frustrating, it gave color to my once grayish life. It still is the one that gave me happiness, pleasure and magic. But he’s just not the one.

Although the people change, the love, the pain and all other emotions felt during the course of the relationship, was true. It may not be felt anymore but it was real — it was not only meant to stay FOREVER.

Author: QUEENIE

Life has an interesting way of telling me that I am a special chocolate chip cookie baked personally by the hands of God (well, just as everyone of us!). I am loving the challenges. A widow at a young age yet keeping a positive view of the future. Still a believer of magic, fate and true love, taking each day one small step at a time. I have a grand dream! ;-)

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