The First of Every Occasions

After the passing of my husband, I knew that grief and longing will not be over soon. Each day left me more clueless than the day before. And it would seem that even the simplest chore in the house is a burden. There was a time I was walking from our house to the office, the usual walk we do every week day to get to the office. The distance got shorter as my body got used to the routine, the first walk without my husband seemed like the longest walk I did. From watching my step, I looked straight forward and wondered why does the street seemed longer than before. The street seemed to be quiet than usual — no cars nor people passing by. It seemed like I owned the street for once. Time seemed to slow down as I take every step alone. I realized that this is just the start of the many firsts in my life without the company of my husband.

His Birthday. It was ten days after his death that I needed to celebrate his birthday. I remember one night, we are talking about his upcoming birthday. We were planning to do something special, a simple yet memorable activity for his special day. I asked him what does he want for his birthday and he replied in his usual soft voice — “all I wanted to have for my birthday is already beside me” and me joking, “okay then, I will just wrap myself up so you can open me on your birthday” but I already plan on buying a coffee maker since his is already broken. He’s such a sweet and deep guy, that is one of the many reasons why I fell in love with him. We never run out of topics since we have the whole world to talk about, imagine both cultures collide together. We never had a dull moment in our spare time.

I will always miss those deep and smart yet totally humble conversations with him every night. I learn and I love. That is all I need by my side.

My Birthday. Only three days before our anniversary and same as the other normal days after my husband’s death, my birthday is not as special as when he was still alive. Friends are reluctant to ask me to celebrate as they know I am still grieving. It’s fine, though, as I also do not feel like celebrating this year. I simply hid to the world and treasured my safe haven. Solidarity is my greatest wish.

Friends are God-sent. They come in different forms (some are bubbly, some are sympathetic, some are simply hanging there). They have a mission to cheer you up when you are down, to take care of you when you feel your worst. They are your support system when the family is busy earning a living. Though they do it to complete a mission, they are not saints, so make sure to always be there for them as they were with you.

I can count my friends on my fingers — those true and cruel ones. I love them. I prefer no labels. I prefer to call them friends. They are already special.

Our Wedding Anniversary. What couldn’t even be worse than celebrating your first wedding anniversary alone. Reminiscing our wedding day and looking to the future of what our life might have been if he were still alive. I visited his grave and said my prayers. I whispered to myself, I am getting tired of all these celebrations considering that birthday’s and anniversaries are happening on the same month plus I am not yet in the celebration stage, I need to choose which ones are the most important so I can only honor those.

Our anniversary is a lot better if my husband is here to celebrate it with me.

Christmas Day. Looking back at how I celebrated this happy and cozy season last year, my husband and I went to my mother’s house for a small family gathering to welcome Christmas as we normally do. The picture I keep on my box. Though it’s different this time, I have my hubby with me. It multiplied the happiness I feel because the most important person in my life is now here to celebrate with me.

I will always miss the air of Christmas when he still belong to me and the feeling will never be replaced.

New Year’s Day. New Year’s Eve was I think the most sentimental occasion for me. As I reminisce the last time I spent it with my husband on the balcony of our apartment, it was the most perfect moment. The ones you see in movies were a couple sits contentedly on their balcony to watch the fireworks and peak a kiss when the clock strikes 12. It also happens in reality.

New Year was the only occasion where I felt complete.

Valentine’s Day. The air of love is everywhere. While roses and chocolates are everywhere, I feel as if the world is incomplete without him. I hide myself to my haven and wish for the day to end.

Valentines always makes my heart skip a bit.


Life has an interesting way of telling me that I am a special chocolate chip cookie baked personally by the hands of God (well, just as everyone of us!). I am loving the challenges. A widow at a young age yet keeping a positive view of the future. Still a believer of magic, fate and true love, taking each day one small step at a time. I have a grand dream! ;-)

2 thoughts on “The First of Every Occasions”

  1. Thank you for your post. My husband passed away 5/4/15. Father’s Day was 6/21 and while we didn’t have children together I was incapable of participating in an online site his children had set up. His birthday was 6/22/15 and I called out at work. I forget the reason I gave but I didn’t share it was his birthday. The following week I called out again since 6/29/15 was our fourth wedding anniversary. We only had eight years together. That doesn’t change the depth of our love or my feeling of loss. I don’t take pleasure in anything, especially any kind of anniversary, birthday or similar event. All I count is how long he’s been gone and miss him.

    1. Thank you for your comment. I feel you. Our loss, no matter how we make reasons for everything that’s happened, we are left with more questions. Horrible, horrible feeling. Occasions are so overwhelming, but I must say, your husband’s love for you will be the one to help you move forward in life. He doesn’t want you to be sad forever. You may not want it at the moment, there’s no need to rush. Take one small step at a time – it will be harder than you think but it works for me even today. I’ll pray for your strength.

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