When Life Happens

She said, “one day I will be a wife, a mother”.

She would usually dream that when that day comes she would know it instantly. Nothing magical nor legendary, nothing like a fairy tale of that sort. Her husband may not be one of the most handsome as long as she wakes up feeling happy, untiringly looking at his face every morning. With the kids around, she would always have a fully booked schedule. A predictable life of simplicity and peace.

One day, life happens.

She met someone. She refused but with a single splash of fate, they dated and got along pretty well. Every second with him was magic and every day was a legend of love’s mysteries. He described vividly the details of their first meeting, he confessed, “the first time I saw you, I literally knew I finally found my wife” – it was her. Looking amazed of how great knowledge this man has that he immediately deciphered the signs and solved the puzzle, she was left in awe.

She realized that sometimes love is so confusing. The other knew exactly the meaning of the signs while she was left in ignorance of what the signs meant. When they looked at their lives backwards, they can only see the spaces they left blank. The times she was not sure of her feelings, the time they both wasted – HIM not fighting harder for her to realize their fate sooner and HER fighting harder to be far away from him.

For others, it was the story of a love that brings inspiration on their own life. A reflection of hope in finding TRUE LOVE. Sometimes I feel that this love story was created to be short-lived as it was perfectly written by the hands of God and that ones the two souls separate, the magic will continue to shower to the whole of the earth.

For them, the power of love that runs through their veins signifies the union of two souls, who, after years of search and delays have finally come into terms. The same power that have brought overflowing joy, abundant blessings and a significant amount of selflessness in their lives. They knew that they were each others happiness and never imagined a life without the other from then on. They have so much love to give to each other it can fill their lifetime.

Then one day, life happens again.

He had to leave unexpectedly. Never in her wildest dreams did she imagine a life without him. They form part of each others happiness. She was lost. Dreadfully lost. That second he left was the same moment her future was taken. Time was running so fast that she cannot catch up. Once again, she was left in awe. The same man who brought her so much happiness is now giving her unbearable sadness.

A part of her died the same time her husband left. As she tries to hold all the memories she could in her mind, she is crushed. She was so afraid that one day all these memories will become vague and that the only connection she has with her husband will soon fade.

She felt pain every heartbeat. A pain that creates an invisible hole in her heart that grows bigger every time she breathes. It was unfair. They, who have given out so much love to the world, were destined to be punished by separation. She often wondered why each day the pain becomes bearable even though the void continues to grow. She was sad because she thought she is moving on. She was afraid that along with moving on, the memories will be gone forever.

Years have passed but she still thinks  of him often, the memories left was clearer than ever as if it happened just yesterday. Even though she worries everyday that the memories will someday fade, she tries her very best to cherish every memory left. The way he looks at her, the way he kisses her, the way he sits on his chair on their old place

For her, this is life re-imagined. A new one. Without her husband.

Later on she realized that the memories will stay though she is not sure until when. It was after all part of her as much as a part of him. Each day is more bearable because the pain and longing have already become part of her. Her mind and body have finally let them in. Tears washes the longing from the heart.

Sometimes losing the one you love, the person you never imagined leaving you, will force you to restructure the life you imagined, the comfortable life you planned.

As their story ends, she didn’t get to create the family she so long wanted and there will be no chance for them to make it. She continue to live her life no matter how empty she feels her heart is. She chose the path where she would fight harder every single day for life to give her the love she deserves, she will never give up. She gets the strength from the love left by her soulmate that will fill her until she finds the NEW LOVE she so long deserve.

05.17

Repost from my FB page dated May 17, 2014 @ 2:31am

There will always be one significant person who may not always be there for you but have touched your life to a great extent. Not only will touch your life, but will be the passage way to your whole new life. Some might say that only saints can do such an extraordinary act, but believe me, even angels are dressed like humans.

I’m thankful to have experienced being loved by an angel. Because an angel’s love echoes even after they have gone back to the Heaven’s and the love they have left on earth balances the grief, loss and sadness felt by the one they left behind. This is how I survived, this is how he loved.

I will always miss the humor and down-to-earth intelligence, and even everything as a whole, you are my greatest miracle who made me laugh and cry big time.

Thoughts on your birthday hubby.

Every Moment Matters

Life is still full of happiness and love despite the loss of the people we so long to be with. They were the many reasons why the journey was worth it. They bring beautiful colors in our once gray life and that is how we move forward. Unfortunately, in the middle of our grief, we continually turned down as we realize that nothing will make them go back despite our efforts, despite our tears, despite our desperate attempts.

It is after all a temporary ride so be patient.

Things happen as they should. Never think that the year that passed was wasted. That situation was meant to be there. That year was meant for us to stop and think about our life. It may mean you have to resign from your current job or you may have to change your place.

It was meant to happen as it is. Never regret. There was no time wasted. It happened as it should be.

Would you think that if you stayed in your job ’til the end, you will be happy? You would not have traveled the world at your twenties if you didn’t take that risk. Rarely are people who get the chance to travel the world on their twenties. You have choices when it seem you don’t. A lot better than others.

So never regret a day a month or a year you thought you have wasted, by just simply curling in bed and wishing this day would go by as fast as your husband left. Sadly, there will always be times like that. Mind you, there will be thousands of moments you will experience loneliness in your lifetime. But be strong enough to fight it.

“Death is not a single occasion. not like birthday or Christmas celebrated once a year. death of a loved one is more of daily event in your life.”

The Power of Prayer

We are living in the world full of mysteries and miracles. This I believe. Powers and extraordinary abilities of that sort. It happens everyday that we see them as normal events when in fact every small breath we take is already a miracle. As humans, we make ourselves believe that we do not own powers and feel as if we are not worthy to experience miracles.

The power of prayer moves us in a way we do not see. The way to the path we are destined to be in. The forces that guides us here because of the people in our lives who continue to include us in their prayers. The people who loves us even if we are not around. It is through their prayers that we are saved from harm. Through them we are renewing our strength everyday. Through them we are not giving up with life. Through them we receive our small miracles.

When we lose courage to say a short one, we can count on the people who pray for us; care for us. They may be our parents, our friends or our mentors. They can even be the person we least expect to be.

Through prayer we are confirming our faith to the most powerful force on earth. The God who never fail to see us in time of our need. The sender of our guardian angel. The God who is a great listener to our heart’s wishes.

Prayer can move mountains and it indeed can one small miracle at a time. With everyone praying for each other, nothing is impossible.

Planning Ahead

I used to envy people with the potential to smoothly take charge of their life. Well, they are either leaders or managers of their company anyway. They start with a goal and then step by step direct their plans in order to reach that goal. Being able to do this and distinguish the road blocks along the way is undeniably an admirable attitude towards life. Ain’t that a God-given talent or what?

When I was younger I used to plan out everything, as I wanted to be like the leaders who inspires me, from my day’s activities up to how I would like to end my week. Hey, I want to take charge of my life. I ended up feeling tired and frustrated.

Planning ahead never worked for me.

I realized, God have plans in my life to help me get to the path I am supposed to go to. I once watched this movie years ago, A Walk to Remember, and this quote has been stuck in my mind since then.

“God has a bigger plan for me than I have for myself. Like this journey never ends.” Jamie Sullivan, A Walk to Remember

Through all these years, He holds my path. So I decided (what the heck!) might as well follow where He leads. Planning has never been a good ingredient in my life but I know I still need to do something and not just wait for my fate to come by.

Then there is VISION. My mother used to say, “see yourself what you want to be at age 30 and that you will be when you’re on that age”. Only 14 or 15 years old at that time I did not take that seriously, but I made a vision. You know what, I got that vision, probably, years earlier. Although, unconsciously, I practiced to always perceive what I want to be doing in the next 10 years of my life. Although there are times I feel in doubt to reach that vision, I still hold into it and I think this is what they call FAITH. I try to hang on that, everytime.

I always have plan B or even C since plan A is already in front of me. Plan A is my PRESENT. If “present” didn’t work out, I try my best to take the next best option and tell myself that it probably wasn’t meant for me. I call it ACCEPTANCE. I get frustrated at times when the first plan never materialize but then the voice inside of me keeps on saying that there is always a better option and that, the best option was the one I’m supposed to be doing.

Sometimes what WE THINK we want differs on what WE REALLY want. We think “what we want” are the situations that will define our life, but what we forget are the hidden desires of our heart. The petition that only you and God talked about. These desires and secret dreams will materialize when we are ready, and the REAPER knows exactly when the fruit is ripe.

“The will of God is not something you add to your life. It’s a course you choose. You either line yourself up with the Son of God…or you capitulate to the principle which governs the rest of the world.”  Elisabeth Elliot

Reimagining Life

I was watching this video of Chris Gardner about Life Reimagined. Yep. He is the man behind the true story of the movie Pursuit of Happyness.  It was an inspiring movie and indeed became my instant favorite among many others. So I did my research of what the real Chris Gardner really like.

He became an inspirational speaker and aids the homeless in America by creating foundations that may somehow lift the plight of his fellow struggling people.

Here are some notes I got from his one-hour talk that seriously have tickled my interest to listen from start to finish.

  • How did I get here? the drastic change in his life was when he found himself living with his 2 year old son in the bathroom of a train station. He realized he cannot blame anyone from his misfortunes. He said, “I have something to do here”.
    • Acceptance. It will free us from imprisonment to our current situation. Let us not spend our whole life blaming others why we got here. It was our actions, in the first place, that brought us here.
    • No one will accept your life except you.
    • “You cannot change something until you own it.” Once we accepted our shortcomings, change will start. Most of the time we call it “miracle”.
    • “I drove here. But you know, if I drove here, I can get out of here.”
  • What are you going to do? he felt he has a mission in this world. He knew he can do something to get out from his situation. So, he took action.
    • The moment, whether we like it or not, wherein we re-imagine our life. See yourself as someone who has a role to play in the world.
    • You are a unique human being so, make the most out of the talent the good Lord have given you.

I liked the part when he talked about soulmates. I connected with him there. I believe in one. He is right. He knew that his first wife was his soulmate. I may read his mind and say that if his soulmate hadn’t died, he would have had a completely different but perfect life. But there is nothing perfect in this world. That was the start of re-imagining his life.

  • Losing someone you love is the hardest “re-imagining life” that could ever be. “When you lose a loved one, you re-evaluate everything. You can lose a house, get a new house. You lose your job, find a new job. You lose money, make money. But when you lose someone you love, it’s irreplaceable – you cannot make time. Time is the ultimate luxury.” – I super agree.
  • You become more aware of the quality of your life. Whether you like it or not, you have to perceive yourself on a different light.
  • “Life is a stretch of road with no maps, no road signs and no gps. There is a fork on this road; one is scared and don’t know what to do and the other is scared but I’m stepping out of it.” There are still choices though we feel there is none. Sometimes we just need to take a short break to get to the next chapter.
  • From it all, we need external validation from people who believe in us. We are humans anyway we were raised to be mingling with others. Family and true friends are very important materials in the fulfillment of our role.

Although there are a lot more of the inspiring things he discussed, these are some of my pointers that somehow, connected in me. On how I perceive my life.

“Walk that walk and go forward all the time. Don’t just talk that talk, walk it and go forward. Also, the walk didn’t have to be long strides; baby steps counted too. Go forward.” Chris Gardner

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnLk5772XRg

Where am I heading?

It has been months since I went back on asking myself the same question.

“Where am I heading?”

It’s been four years since my husband died and through all the ups and downs of my life I feel like I landed to where I actually started — LOST.

Yes. My husband died few years ago. It would seem as if after he died, my life needed a tune up. Nope. I don’t think I need a res-et button to bring back the life I had but rather, a NEW LIFE moving forward.

There are several times when I feel I can reach every bit of my dream and that as if the power of determination has finally come my way. Truly, nothing can stop me from achieving everything I want to do in my life. All the road signs are heading towards where I lead them to and luck has finally came my way.

Aligned with my UPS, are my DOWNS. These feelings are the gravity that pulls me down from dreamland. The ones making me realize that all the hopes and dreams I planned carefully for the rest of my life is a hoax. Reaching it could be like a needle in a hay.

It could sometimes be frustrating. Seeing myself on top of the ladder at one point and watching myself fall from it on the next step.

“Life is like a piano. White keys represent happiness and black keys represent sadness. But as you go through life you must remember, black keys make music too.” – Ehssan